Embria Phone Tag!

In my most recent D&D campaign -- set in my homebrew world of Embria -- the PCs are Narezza (a hexblood shadow sorcerer/undead warlock) and Lady Buffy (a human cavalier fighter). They have been exploring the Dungeon of the Fire Opal, and recently discovered that the dungeon used to serve as the laboratory to the ancient archmage Thessalar. This discovery was inadvertently made when the released a clone of the archmage from its clone vat.

The clone of Thessalar is incredibly personable, amicable... and (Nerezza succeeds on her Insight check) thoroughly bat-shit insane!

The PCs plan to help lead the clone of the archmage to the nearest civilized community (the dwarven necropolis-city of Hammerfast), where they intent to ditch him on their earliest opportunity. (Nerezza: "We were NOWHERE near Hammerfast! Got it?")

This event recently prompted a string of silly conversation points that might as well be canon, for what is about to happen, once I get the campaign back up and running again...

SCENE 1

[INT: The Fortress of the Lich Thessalar in the Wormcrawl Fissure]

[We see the lich Thessalar busy as work, mixing his protoform chemicals into a large vat, when suddenly, he begins recoiling in surprise.]

Lich Thessalar: What the fu... Why am I suddenly seeing double...? Who the fuck are THESE people!? What the Hells am I even looking at...? Ohmigawd, did someone open one of my old clone vats?!

[The lich Thessalar goes to a shelf and grabs a crystal ball, hurriedly casting scrying spells.]

Lich Thessalar: Okay... wait... is that girl a hex-blood?! Gods-damned hags, always after my magical shit! Okay, let's just scry her aura and see who she works for.... and... MUTHER-FUCKER!"

[An angered lich Thessalar goes through his desk, eventually pulling out a rolodex. He sorts through the cards and pulls one out, dialing several runes on the crystal ball like a rotary phone.]

Crystal Ball: *makes faerie chimes*

[Lich Thessalar drums fingers on desk while waiting for an answer.]

Crystal Ball: *makes another faerie chime before alighting and we see the face of the Archfey Zybilna*

Zybilna: Hello?

Lich Thessalar: Hey there, Iggwilv.... Thessalar here. I was just curious what in the fuck you were doing sending your agents into my old crypts and waking up my old clones... Care to explain yourself?

Zybilna: Well... Thessalar... first of all, it's Zybilna now....

Lich Thessalar: Oh? You changed your name... Again...? And yeah, what's with all the pointed ears and shit?

Zybilna: *sighs* It's been a while hasn't it? Um, I'm an archfey now.

Lich Thessalar: Oh! So, you and Graz'zt are not longer... *makes lewd in-and-out gesture with finger and thumb*

Zybilna: *eye twitching* No.... So, what was this about an agent of mine doing what with your clone?

Lich Thessalar: I am seeing double -- right this minute -- and I am seeing through the eyes of one of my old clones. And he's in the presence of a young hex-blood girl. She's got your aura all over her.

Zybilna: Well that can't be right, the only hex-blood I currently have in my care is... Oh... Um.... Thessalar, I'm going to look into this. I'll get back to you soon. In the meantime, you might want to ... look into where your soul might be. Ta!

[The crystal ball goes dark as Zybilna disappears in a flurry of faerie sparkles]

Lich Thessalar: What do you mean where my soul... OH FUCK!

[Lich Thessalar activates crystal ball again and searches, spinning the ball in place like a classic Atari track-ball]

Lich Thessalar: Where did I even put that thing...? Right... it was in this mountainside... and... FUCK! Fuuuuuuuuck! The clone has my soul!!!

[Lich Thessalar goes back to the Rolodex and pulls out another card, dialing new runes on the crystal ball]

Crystal Ball: [a goblin's voice] Hello, Grimtooth Traps. Nobody kills 'em better. How may I direct your scry?

Lich Thessalar: Hello, Thessalar here... my client number is.... Four. I need to talk so someone about bypassing all the traps keeping my phylactery secure so I can replace my soul into it.

Crystal Ball: Woah, one of our oldest costumers? Yeah... just gimme a sec... I'll need to send a runner down into the archives to find THAT custom dungeon... Can you hold?

Lich Thessalar: Yeah, I can hold...

SCENE 2

[INT: The Palace of Hearts Desire in the Feywild. Zybilna has summoned her hag sisters of the Hourglass Coven. Behind Zybilna, a jabberwock sits ready to strike if its mistress commands. The three hags of the Hourglass Coven look apprehensive]

Zybilna: Sisters, a pleasure as always. I have just one small question for you: Where is Narezza?

Endlyn: Oh... Narezza... it was your turn to watch her, wasn't it, Sister Bavlorna? Surely you've not eaten her, have you?

Bavlorna: [looking wide-eyed and more toad-like than normal] Um... yes! Yes! Narezza! I certainly have not eaten her... yet... I sent her to go pick some mushrooms. Just this morning. She should be home before the sun sets, the good child, yes.

Zybilna: [looking suspicious] Uh-huh. See that she is sent to me as soon as she returns. Now... away!

[The three hags of the Hourglass Cover vanish...]

SCENE 3

[INT: The wooden shack home of Bavlorna Blightstraw. A swamp can be seen through the windows]

[The three hags teleport into the house]

Bavlorna: Well, she has to be here somewhere!

Skabitha: How can you lose a whole girl?

Bavlorna: I didn't lose her... she's just... gone!

Endelyn: Sisters... don't panic. We can always find her. *gestures to nearby cauldron*

[The hags gather around the cauldron and begins chanting. Flames erupt beneath the cauldron, setting it to boil and smoke. The hags peer into the boiling cauldron waters to scry on Narezza.]

Bavlorna: See! There she is... she's... not in Hither?

Skabitha: She's on the mortal world, you bint! Now shut up, while I Send to her. She always did like me more, of the three of us.

[Skabitha clears her throat]

Skabitha: Narezza, dear! It's your Granny. We miss you. Are you lost? Find your nearest mushroom circle, and we'll bring you home. That's a good girl!

Skabitha: Now we just wait.

Endelyn: She looks like she's healthy enough.

Bavlorna: Is she eating bread? It looks like it's made of wheat!. I bet there's not even any bones ground into it! I'm not sure she's eaten enough baby recently. Those damned elves... they probably have her on a vegan diet!